10 Pastoral Care Teachers in Honor of Herb Hoff's Birthday: Sensitive Suzie

In honor of 65 years of Herb Hoff (his birthday was yesterday), I am reflecting on the 10 teachers who have shaped my practice of pastoral care. Happy birthday dad, and thanks for modeling pastoral care so well for so long.

6th Teacher: Sensitive Suzie

Suzie’s teaching hurt. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27.6). 

In ministry there are always, those an acquaintance calls, “cheap critics.” They stand safely outside of your zone and lob criticism bombs toward you. They don’t have anything invested in you or your community, they don’t get hurt by their destructive comments, and don’t stick around to help clean up after their bomb has detonated. Every once in a while what they say is true and can be of some service, but most of the time it is wise to not take them too seriously.

Then there are those who are pained to say what has to be said. They say it, then they stick around even if you prefer not to see them again. Their criticism is not cheap, it cost them something. Their comment wasn’t lobbed in and then they ran away. They help clean up after. Suzie was this kind.

Early on in my ministry, I was asked to share about my path and calling to ministry. I shared the whole timeline including the extensive psychological testing that candidates had to go through at the beginning of their candidacy. In trying to get a laugh, I said something cheap. About mental illness. I don’t even like to re-live it now. The person sitting next to Suzie (a guest) got up and walked out. I was so insensitive, I thought she must have had to go to the restroom. No, I had confirmed her nightmare. Church wasn’t a safe place for those struggling with some kind of mental illness. I communicated excommunication to a beloved daughter who was desperate for community, and I was completely insensitive to it.

After the meeting, Suzie came up and gently, but firmly, replayed what I said, and how it must have been received. I just took it, but inside I was defensive, then judgmental about how “sensitive” Suzie was, and then the Holy Spirit started to dismantle me and convict me and break me. Suzie suggested I talk to her friend, if she was open to it, which gratefully she was. I don’t know how much good it did, but I had the chance to say sorry to Suzie’s friend, and ask forgiveness. She gave it to me, but looked hurt even as we parted. 

First, dearly loved one who struggles with mental illness, you are a child of God, and if I or anyone else in the church has given you another impression, please forgive me? Forgive us? You belong to Jesus’ family, and I am honored to be in the same family as you. Please be patient with us who are insensitive and say stupid things.

No matter how much testing and teaching we have in our resume, we are in desperate need of the Holy Spirit to teach us true sensitivity.

Second, a word to Suzie. Thank you. Thank you for saying something hard to me gently. You were the voice of God, and your words and manner are refreshed in my memory often. Thank you for sticking around and helping me clean up my mess.

Third, a question to care givers. How do you respond to costly critics? Who has taught you sensitivity?