10 Pastoral Care Teachers in honor of Herb Hoff's Birthday: Jim Kok

In honor of 65 years of Herb Hoff (his birthday is January 26), I want to mention the 10 teachers who have shaped my practice of pastoral care. Happy birthday dad, and thanks for modeling pastoral care so well for so long.

3rd Teacher: Jim Kok (CPE Supervisor)

Jim taught me to make a long-distance call. I was not looking forward to CPE (short for Clinical Pastoral Education). I had to pay (money!) to work for 400 hours, that is 400 hours I couldn’t spend earning the money Joy and I needed to live. Would seminary and synodical hoops ever be finished? CPE was a great challenge. I don’t regret it for a minute. My CPE was unique. If you looked at the catalog of ACPE-approved sites and supervisors, Jim Kok and the Crystal Cathedral was the only congregation-based CPE experience. Most were hospital or facility-based programs. Our care receivers were scattered across the hospitals and homes of the members of the Crystal Cathedral, the members of the “Hour of Power” television audience, and the callers to the emergency hotline. 

My supervisor, Jim Kok, was a tall as he was deep. Towering Dutch Reformed presence and authority matched with profound care and compassion for those he shepherded. He brought me to my breaking point because he was committed to me. I’m not an intellectual, but I lived completely out of my brain. So concerned about theological and biblical compromise in the Church, everything was a theology to fix or a teaching to teach correctly. One day Jim calmly “tazed" me visually and verbally. “Nathan, you need to make a long-distance call. Do you know what I am talking about? Your head and your heart are in different time zones, man. Can you please tell your brain to call your heart.” 

Ouch. I actually felt that. Jim went on to say that I reminded him of himself when he was my age. I still have to actually and intentionally make the long distance call. Jim introduced us to a few authors who have helped me feel.

Nicholas Wolterstorff experienced what I hope to never experience: the death of his 25 year old son, Eric. I was 24 when I read Wolterstorff’s, “Lament For a Son.” How could a 24 year old (know-it-all) understand in any way what the grieving father of a dead 25 year old is going through? He can not, but reading his reflections can help in making the long distance call.

“I walked into a store. The ordinariness of what I saw repelled me: people putting onions into baskets, squeezing melons, hoisting gallons of milk, clerks ringing up sales. “How are you today?” “Have a good day now.” How could everybody be going about their ordinary business when these were no longer ordinary times? I went to my office and along the way saw secretaries all at their desks and the students all in their seats and the teachers all at their podiums. Do you not know that he slipped and fell and that we sealed him in a box and covered it with dirt and that he can’t get out?” (Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son. Eerdmans. 1987. Page 57)

Everyone you meet, every book you read, every story you hear is a resource for the heart, and can be a help in making the long distance call.

What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?

“Both empathy and sympathy are feelings concerning other people. Sympathy is literally 'feeling with' - compassion for or commiseration with another person. Empathy, by contrast, is literally 'feeling into' - the ability to project one's personality into another person and more fully understand that person. Sympathy derives from Latin and Greek words meaning 'having a fellow feeling'. The term empathy originated in psychology (translation of a German term, c. 1903) and has now come to mean the ability to imagine or project oneself into another person's position and experience all the sensations involved in that position. You feel empathy when you've "been there", and sympathy when you haven't. Examples: We felt sympathy for the team members who tried hard but were not appreciated. / We felt empathy for children with asthma because their parents won't remove pets from the household.” from www.dictionary.com

What resources have helped you with sympathy?

PS: When we start talking about resources it is easy to start doling out resources to the care-receiver. Sometimes resources are welcome, but most of the time a care-receiver is looking for care. First, let these resources help the care-giver.